On 5/08/22 we weighed anchor at 0700 and left for Madeira. We had a brilliant sail down with the WAZ (wind acceleration zone) adding some chop to the waves. We were escorted along the way by dolphins, much to the annoyance of the 2 dolphin explore boats trying to find them. So sorry anybody that was taking photos that day. You will likely have a photo of me with a glass of wine in one hand half hanging off the boat and playing around with Flipper and his mates.
We called ahead to Calheta Marina who were expecting us, and for the first time ever they sent over a clear map, details of our berth and what side to for our lines and information on surge and wind!!
Normally, what happens is I have to lug 8 bloody great fenders around the boat along with 6 REALLY heavy lines, an extra fender and a boat hook between my teeth. This is because, despite knowing exactly what size you are and therefore exactly where they are going to put you, marina staff first have to make you try and squeeze your boat into a space made for a laser dinghy. This is because normal marina staff are aged about 18 who are arseholes who want a laugh and are bored. I get that. I’m an arsehole too. I can relate. Normally I’m flinging myself up and down the boat like a mountain goat on speed risking life and limb so Lee can ultimately parade around the boat with his hands in the air, taking a bow to those applauding him for mooring up so perfectly, all by himself. Anyway, not this time!! I prep the boat with ease and we park up nicely. Or so I thought.
Lee, as he has got older has developed both excessive nasal and ear hair growth and a complete and total inability to leave anything I have done alone. It always needs redoing. So he redid the springs and other lines and tweaked the perfectly placed fenders. If I hadnt had botox I would have given him ‘The Look’ and gently raised an eyebrow which ordinarily would suffice. As neither of these were an option I verbally expressed my slight annoyance at this. At this point he frantically tried to back peddle as he realised that none of it needed redoing and he was just being an arse. I let him panic a bit, because it’s impolite to interrupt a grovelling apology, and then we relax. Because we are in Madeira. And we are excited to be here. And we have got our Matrimonial Discussion out of the way which is always nice.
Lee’s pal Dan arrived and it seemed a little surreal we had sailed to an island in the Atlantic to visit a friend but we had, and what a great decision it was. A fantastic host and a native to Madeira, for the entire weekend we were treated to fabulous tours and hikes, ticking off every Lonely Planet must sees, and more. His beautiful wife and daughters were simply lovely to be around and just when we thought his hospitality had reached its limit, he lent us his car, lovingly called The Battle Wagon for the remainder of our stay.
We drove around tiny, hairpinned roads overflowing with flowers and palm trees. We hiked up mountains and through herds of cattle, happily clapping at them to shoo them away while Lee wrestled Franco to the ground to stop him from trying to eat them. We hiked through waterfalls and rivers, tunnels and along narrow paths with deadly drops to one side. We fished Franco out from the water channel the idiot kept falling in and loved every minute of it.
There are 7 functioning cable cars on Madeira, and the steepest is the Achadas da Cruz. Also the steepest in Europe it descends at a 45° angle with an inclination of 98% and quietly makes it way down to a now uninhabited but still farmed tiny village which also has a handful (literally no more than 5) very basic weekend houses down by the beach.
Once at the bottom there was a beautifully maintained footpath along the beach which led to nowhere and back again.
We ended our 30 minute visit with a 90 minute wait in excruciating heat for the cable car back, tag teaming to stay in the shade with Franco. Once back up, we carried on our travels and headed to the Madeira Sky walk.
The Sky walk is on the Cabo Girão cliffs and is 580m above sea level. Well worth a visit for its spectacular views we then left to look at a rather boring church. Which wasn’t worth the visit.
Franco had his furry little legs walked off him as we spanked the arse out of the Alltrails app and explored as much of the incredible island as possible. We had found a Brazilian BBQ en route back to the marina, and the waiter loved dogs and good tips, so every evening after a days hike we collapsed there for sundowners. The 3 of us would eat our bodyweight in meat and black bean stew and then we would roll out into Dan’s awesome little car and head home.
Our last couple of days were spent doing touristy things, so we hit Funchal, saw the famous market, churches and government buildings and of course the amazing Rua da Santa Maria. Every door down this narrow cobbled street is a work of art, and luckily we had read about needing to get there early before all the doors opened and the restaurants spilled out into the street.
On our last day we drove to Dan’s nice and early to drop the car off. We had talked about doing the famous toboggan ride but didn’t think it possible due to Franco, so had made sure we had squeezed every last drop of amazingness that we could from Madeira.
Dan got in the car and took us just around the corner from his home, chatted to his childhood friends who had inherited the jobs of ‘Carreiros’ from their fathers and the 3 of us climbed into the wicker sled. They had literally just opened and we were first. After much greasing of the sled to make an already hair raising experience even more fast and scary, we flew down the road so fast everything was a blur. Traffic was stopped by the sled workers, walls and ditches went whizzing past and after what seemed like a forever of fun we flew into the cafe where it finished. Dan was waiting for us at the end and when he drove us back to the marina.
They say all good things must come to an end, and eventually we said our sad goodbyes to Dan, his wonderful family, their incredible hospitality and even more incredible island. It was time to head back to Gran Canaria to start preparing for our next trip. Madeira my dear, we will be back. You are totally epic. New York may have been so good they named it twice but Madeira is that bloody amazing they named a cake after it. And it does not get better than that.